Crawling away from ‘The Adoption Fog’ and learning to fly above it By H.J Weston aka The Happy Alien
I like the term coming out of the fog as for me it serves as a great visual and tangible analogy that helped me to break free from the insidious and naive fairytale narrative that adoption apparently fixes all and the unrealistic and inhuman expectations that were impossible to live up to for all and in reality, just transformed into a dystopian nightmare.
The then, blank slate policy where no DNA or family history is necessary, in fact it was seen as a hindrance and could disrupt the bonding process. I was told that my life started at 12 days old and anything before that simply didn't exist because it was not relevant or valued in any way at all. It felt like captivity amongst tyrants rather than escaping or being rescued from relinquishment and with such control over how I am supposed to feel, develop, grow and live in general. A secret and hidden oppression with lots of repression to keep me in a mental and emotional dungeon, let alone psychological prisons and cages.
This put me in the disturbing and damaging position of being presented to the world and treated as privileged and having to feel grateful, because I was chosen, lucky and special, so the obligation and responsibility of having to appear happy otherwise the adoption wouldn’t be successful and it would be all my fault, was a huge burden that weighed heavily and with a massive and continuous guilt trip, just for good measure.
This privilege led to the assumption that I must be a bit spoiled also because I grew up in a nice house with a middle class family in a jolly nice village and yes I was always painfully aware of how good my life must have looked for others. All that did was heighten, intensify and bury my pain further with an extra helping of rage, excruciating loneliness and even deeper sense of loss, pushing it all further down and rubbing salt into my already raw and invisible primal wound, ouch!
As for all the other misconceptions, assumptions, myths, judgements and indeed the utterly ironic stigma with all that ‘bad blood’ leading straight into the ‘saviour mentality’, I simply didn't stand a chance. Anytime that I did ever speak out or try too it was seen as rebellion, disrespectful or the proverbial ‘chip on the shoulder’ and accompanied by patronising insults because invisible pain makes people perceive me to be a fake and an attention seeker and there are quite often reassuringly nasty consequences, ouch again, over and over until trust becomes impossible most of the time and misguided, misjudged and misplaced in general.
When the waters of life are so muddy, you can’t see the sharks and boy have I been bitten, including many good people that have hurt me unintentionally and are generally unaware and would truly be mortified if they knew but that's an additional underlying mist that is part of the fog, what can’t be seen cannot be accepted healed and the constant invalidation and belief system that babies are too young to remember and that you can't miss what you never had. I think that never having what you need makes you miss and need them more!
This reality helped me to develop an inferior and fractured identity with my self consciousness and ego mainly built and pumped up with delusional perceptions of me as a disappointing failure and not capable of anything normal from my nearest and dearest and this reverberated quite naturally towards most others. Absolutely no self worth, no self respect, no self love and to such an extent that I developed some kind of hero complex, believing that any pain of mine would just be a problem for others, so it's best to never have any problems because my problems were obviously, just another problem! It made me feel like a hologram, I looked the same but was not solid, worthy or legit like all the other people. I didn't feel like I had any value and as such I allowed others to treat me without value and therefore demonstrating no real worth anyway. It never ends well especially when I am challenged as I usually just get emotionally pulverised and retreat taking on all the blame, shame and responsibility for words and actions that are not my fault, no wonder people think I’m mad. Always the stranger that was brought up by strangers and most of all a stranger to myself and my worth, let alone my needs.
I finally broke when I hit my 50’s after what felt like a kind of life crash but have subsequently learned was burn out. A lifetime of people pleasing, hyper-independence, undiagnosed complex ptsd, toxic shame, fear, anxiety and depression to name the basic’s and all hidden behind a silly smile, constant humour, general hopefulness and wonder with a wild childlike optimism. I can understand how nobody noticed of course, being the hero and incapable of asking for help and the few times when I did the pain was invalidated, denied, invisible or misunderstood at best, so it just caused me more problems, stress and heartbreak. People can’t help you if you're broken and don’t look like it or simply disagree and think that it shouldn't be a problem anyway, so you have to break politely in secret as a good adoptee because there is no narrative apart from a bit of a psycho if you're an unhappy or angry adoptee. After all that's how we were always portrayed on the telly back in my day! Hazy crazy days indeed.
Pretty ironic and cruel really that people can see how losing such an important bond can apparently make a person a psychopath but at the same time not give any recognition or validation for relinquishment and abandonment trauma. There is also another quite blindsided viewpoint which I never understood, that if you are orphaned the loss is accepted but the loss gets totally bypassed if your parents are still alive. For me it serves as a constant reminder of the rejection knowing that they are out there in the world and just don't want you, for good reason and with good intent and as difficult as this is to comprehend I still always understood and respected that these actions had to be taken and with my best interests at heart, but it does really hurt and tops up the secret pain that could never be expressed. Just yet another misty and deceptive patchy bit of fog.
I am 57 this year (2024) and although I was never fully immersed in the fog because I felt so different and misunderstood right from the off and indeed treated as the acceptable family accessory and scapegoat and still am of course. I sought help from The Post Adoption Centre (PAC-UK) in my early twenties and they really highlighted the fog and helped more than anyone and I have seen a few therapists over the years, some good and others not but none with adequate knowledge or training and understandably so, about adoptee issues because nobody knew the half of it anyway. Also it's one thing to have some or even a good degree of knowledge but without the wisdom to go with it, when applied it can cause counteractive effects which result in more unintended mistreatment that just amplifies the problems.
But thankfully in very recent years, relinquishment trauma and adoption issues can be scientifically proven and by world renowned experts and the knowledge is spreading but its slow and frustrating but also a tremendous relief. Finally confirming that it really is not my fault or responsibility, just human nature and circumstances, unfair, unmanageable and otherwise but quintessentially never, ever mine or any other adoptee's fault. A super-massive phew to that one and game changer as far as making some kind of peace with the situation and inner peace also. I am putting down boundaries, saying no without complex and pointless conversions that result in a mental challenge and game of emotional dodgems, I am no longer somebody's circus neither a fairground that's never fair to me and I have to buy the ticket, I am no longer exhausted and have uncovered all the truths that I need and most of them, lies in the first place.
I am now in a place of post-traumatic recovery and post fog, phew and its only taken 7 years and with a lot of help from other adoptees, adoptee organisations and intense, painful research. Part my healing, wherever possible, is to help change the outdated and damaging narrative of old and promote the positive aspects and special qualities that all relinquished people quite naturally acquire and develop and with an almighty bump start, for many in the crucial and formative early years, but are as yet, still unrecognised by most and with little help from the health services as they too cannot provide many trained professionals with the necessary expertise.
Wisdom is the only type of knowledge that cannot be taught but only gained through experience and this is what adoptees have a wealth of and I think it's about time our voices were recognised, validated and taken seriously and I think in this day and age it's deplorable that we are still disregarded. At the same time it is relevant to mention and scientifically proven that the mind and brain learn and develop to a much higher degree when humans have to face and overcome so much adversity. Adoptee’s have to grow and be brave on so many other levels that normal life simply does not present to others and all the time this is invisible so we are re-wired to cope and at a huge emotional cost to say the least. I can't help but think if differences could be celebrated and seen as something of interest rather than problematic, this could highlight our strengths and prevent us from having to be unintentional secret super heroes in the first place. I think if put into practice it would also have a far reaching effect and positive impact towards better childcare and adult mental health in general.
After a lifetime of ‘mostly’ understandable but by no way ‘justified’, abuse, neglect, systemic failings, total disregard in many respects and with no ability to get or find the help that I needed, I am at the very least glad to have crawled out of the thick, dense, poisonous and contagious heavy fog that is rife and beyond stifling and at best creates a harmful and toxic atmosphere, in fact I am quite surprised that I managed to have lived this long!
I am now proud of my difference and have relinquished normal because normal crushed my heart and obliterated my value and in such a cruel and emotionally horrific way. I have crawled out of this fog, no longer in a choke hold of self defacing, self demeaning enforced and perverse sense of gratitude and I refuse to be diminished further. I have always appreciated that adoption was designed to help and the love and support, however toxic that was there for me and salvage as many positives from my life and experiences that I can. Most of all to disregard and disown such a massive responsibility for other peoples abuse, control, neglect, ignorance and arrogance
I will keep pushing for change, however uncomfortable and distasteful it appears while the whole wide world is engulfed by the fog and it will probably take decades to creep into the general awareness or indeed just the awareness within the system and services. Perhaps one day the aliens will intervene and mind blast away the human ego with a special kind of medical laser and save the world or perhaps the governments will acknowledge the unintended failings and start to provide some help and educate where necessary. Perhaps there's more chance of the badger in my garden cooking me dinner tonight and mowing the lawn on Sunday. Either way, I can continue to free myself and crawl out from under the fog and learn to fly above it wherever possible, continuing to heal myself so that the rest of my life can be the best of my life and help others when and wherever I can along the way.
It's not been easy but the rewards are slowly coming to fruition, my journey has endured suffering beyond comprehension and completely on my own with nowhere to turn but also fascinating, enlightening and empowering. It has provided more than just insights into myself and adoption but into human nature and society with more clarity. The personal validation and recognition compounding a new sense of self and with worth and this is just the start of my healing journey. I know that there is no absolute cure and no escaping the past but I can reduce that amount of suffering that the pain causes and I am beginning to feel more complete and no longer condemned by or riddled with such vile and debilitating internal toxicity. Slowly the bitterness, resentments, self loathing and host of other nasties are dissipating on a daily basis and finding their way back into the pit of my primal wound and are triggered less often. It's an ongoing task with constant mindfulness but much healthier self talk and self perception.
Nowadays I am successfully moving towards a place of no blame, no shame and more acceptance, I just want to find as much inner peace as I can. I don't expect empathy for something that people cannot comprehend or want pity or sympathy for things that cannot be fixed or changed but all I do want, very much, is to just be believed so that my feelings and experience can be accepted and validated otherwise there is no truth and it's all just living a lie and a life of convenience for others which serves nobody rather than living an authentic and real existence. Isn't that what all humans need anyway!
By H.J Weston aka The Happy Alien
