7 tips for adoptees who are new to this blog
Hello! You may have seen us in The Guardian and are curious as to what it’s all about. Adopted people needing support? What for!? Well, a warm welcome! You’re about to find out what the challenges are and how we’ve been campaigning for change in support for adopted people.
Here at How To Be Adopted, we have been pondering what it means to be adopted for a number of years. (Feels like longer, says my husband!) So, if you’ll permit us we wanted to share what we’ve learned in 7 tips, covering the journey we’ve been on:
Read, watch and listen to all the adoptee content
Many people start with this stage, almost like a hyper-fixation, you consume as much as you can find - from books, to podcasts and blogs. A popular pitstop at this stage is all six series of the podcast AdopteesOn - caution, may leave you crying on the kitchen floor with relief and recognition. Anne Heffron’s You Don’t Look Adopted is a popular book choice, and her Instagram is full of truth bombs.
This Paul Sunderland video on addiction and adoption is important, but very hard hitting. Make sure you have someone to hold your hand while you watch.
Find someone you trust to talk to
It’s quite common to withdraw a little at this stage as you’re processing everything you’re reading and learning. You may find that people you thought were a safe sounding board are bringing their own opinions to the table when you really need someone to listen. If you have an understanding friend or partner, bravo. Otherwise you may want to find a therapist. This is where we break the bad news that adoption-competent therapists are thin on the ground in the UK as they have to be registered with Ofsted to treat adopted people. PAC-UK are a good option at this stage, ask if your local authority funds any therapeutic sessions with them. If not, the phoneline is a godsend.
Connect with other adoptees
How To Be Adopted is a good place to start. We hold regular adoptee events in person and online including the North London adoptee group. The next one is 15th October 2022 10am-3pm, a virtual retreat to boost our wellbeing before National Adoption Week. Find out more and book
We’ve put together a list of the adoptee peer groups we know about in the UK. In the US there’s AdopteesConnect.
Another UK organisation who run events is Adoptee Futures.
Stay boundaried on social media
Following on from the above, you may head to social media to connect with other adopted people. It’s worth knowing that Twitter can be a really tough place to be, so take it very easy! Instagram is slightly kinder, in my experience.
Get support for search and reunion
Sadly, reunion is rarely like Long Lost Family. If it’s something you’re thinking about, PAC-UK is a good start as are Barnardo’s and Family Connect. These are for England and Wales. The important thing to remember is, if reunion doesn’t work out, it’s not your fault - these are relationships for which we have no blueprint and many birth parents carry a lot of shame (this is not our shame to carry, by the way!)
Look after your wellbeing and stay in the body
You may want to consider other therapies on top of / instead of talking therapy. We cannot recommend anything in particular, but some adopted people have found cranial sacral therapy, reiki, EMDR, massage, somatic therapy and music therapy helpful.
Coming out of the fog, as it’s referred to, is a very emotional, draining time for many. So prioritise your wellbeing as much as you can. At this stage you might start learning about the nervous system and realise that you have been living in flight/fight/freeze/fawn. Be compassionate with yourself. Try to stay grounded (exercise from Gilli below), and consider anything that takes you into the body, such as yoga, swimming, walking, gardening. The Body Keeps The Score is an important read.
Check the credentials of support organisations
There are a number of organisations who purport to offer support for adopted people. It’s important to look into this, as the big ones are actually set up by and run for adoptive parents. That’s not to say you shouldn’t use them, but be aware.
To stay in the loop about our events and campaigns, sign up to the How To Be Adopted mailing list
Gilli’s grounding exercise
Some signs that you may be ‘ungrounded’ include:
You get distracted easily
Feeling spaced out
An inability to concentrate with focused attention
You over-think or ruminate
You engage in personal dramas
You experience anxiety and perpetual worrying
A sense of urgency, a need to be fast-paced as if everything needs to happen right now
Physical clues may include:
Poor sleep patterns and on-going fatigue
Inflammation
Poor circulation
Palpitations or feeling as though your heart is racing
Knotted stomach or tension in the body
You feel fidgety and it is hard to sit still and relax properly
Research on grounding has been accumulating over the last 15 years and there is growing evidence that grounding techniques will:
Elevate mood
Reduce emotional stress
Improve immune responses and reduce inflammation
Improve blood flow
Improve sleep, rest and relaxation
Grounding techniques
Cover your crown – place one or both hands over your crown, close your eyes,
breathe deeply and mentally push yourself down gently for 30 -60 seconds.
Feel your feet – stand or sit and put all your attention into your feet. Feel any
sensations of socks, shoes, floor surface, temperature etc. 30-60 seconds.
Stand like a tree – stand with your feet parallel and at least shoulder’s width apart.
Keep your head floating above your body, chin tucked in and spine straight. Rest
your hands at your side or on your navel. Without collapsing your posture – sink all
your weight and tension into your feet, allowing it to sink deeper and out into the
ground below. Imagine roots growing from your feet and out into the ground.
Extend these roots out to the sides like the roots of an old oak tree. Extend them
deeper into the ground. Strengthen a sense of being so firmly rooted into the
ground that nothing could blow you over – you are firmly anchored into the ground
and are part of it. Hold this for 60-90 seconds.
Follow your breath – focus on the sensation of the breath and track it as it enters
the nose, down into the lungs and back out again. Don’t force the breath to change
just notice it. In particular pay attention to the space between the outbreath and the
next in-breath – this is the moment when the body enjoys total stillness and where
you will find it.
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash
